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Take the Good Piece

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 22:04:00 GMT

Who eats the burnt toast at your house?

Go ahead, admit it. You do.

Author Tenneva Jordan said, “A mother is a person who, seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.”

Everyone knows mothers personify selflessness and generosity, so what I’m about to propose might border on heresy. Here goes:

I think moms are too unselfish sometimes.

Instead of setting a good example for our children, I wonder if our purely-motivated, selfless actions might actually be having the opposite effect.

Motherhood is, by nature, an unselfish calling. Even before our children are born, we begin to deny ourselves. We lose sleep, money, and the ability to see our feet—sometimes forever. And then they’re born. We lose more sleep, more money, and we still can’t see our feet because they never stop moving.

Ever.

If there isn’t enough money for two winter coats and you and your child need one, your child gets it—no questions asked. They go to the dentist every six months because you wouldn’t dream of neglecting your children’s teeth, but you haven’t had yours checked in years. When there are limited resources and unlimited needs, parents sacrifice for their children. It’s good, right, and responsible.

But sometimes mothers take it too far. We sacrifice what we don’t have to, as if there is a virtue in going above and beyond the duty of selflessness. In doing so, I think we set a poor example for our families and train them to neglect and slight the mothers in their lives.

Take the burnt toast, for example. I actually overheard one of my friend’s children say to his sister as he surveyed the breakfast table, “Mom will eat the burnt one; she likes it.”

By always taking the leftovers, never speaking up about our preferences, and always yielding our “rights” for the benefit of our children, we set the stage for our children to devalue us and the other mothers in their lives. We also risk creating selfish, self-centered children with a sense of entitlement. And anyone who’s raised adolescent children knows this is the last thing we need to encourage.

In the burnt toast scenario, what if we presented it another way? What if we said, “Uh oh, one piece of garlic bread got a little crispy. I ate the crispy one last time, who would like to be unselfish and take it this time?” If someone rises to the occasion, praise and thank them. If you get no takers, “volunteer” someone, and rotate the privilege as the opportunity presents itself.

This is a great time for Dad to step into the teaching lesson. Perhaps he can set the tone by saying, “You know, Mom is usually the one who eats the broken cookie, the burnt toast, or the smallest piece of chicken. But Mom’s really special, and she deserves the BEST. I’ll take the burned one so she can have a nice piece. After all, she cooked this delicious meal for us.”

And instead of Mom being the last one to sit down and the first one to jump up for the milk, the ketchup, and the serving spoon, what if Dad said, “Honey, you’ve worked hard to cook this wonderful meal for us. Why don’t you sit down and let us serve you?” From this powerful example, our children learn to view Mom not as a servant, but as an appreciated, valued member of the family.

Even if we don’t have our husband’s support, we can still instruct our children in ways that will help them understand that moms are dignified human beings worthy of respect, honor, and deference.

We can say, “I’ve spend the last hour helping you with your school work. Now it’s Mommy’s time to do something for herself. Please don’t interrupt me for the next 30 minutes.” And then don’t cave.

We can say, “I’m happy to take you to soccer practice three nights a week, but unfortunately, tonight’s practice conflicts with my Bible Study, so you’re going to have to miss it. It’s important for Mom to have time to be with her friends and study God’s Word.

We can say, “I don’t enjoy hamburger helper and tater tots. I cooked what you wanted last night, but tonight I’m making something I enjoy. If you don’t like it, you can make a peanut butter sandwich—without complaining.”

We can say, “We’ve had fun playing Candy Land, but now it’s time for you to go to bed. If you’re not sleepy, you may read quietly in your rooms, but you’re not to come out. Mommy and Daddy need time to ourselves.” Granted, it will take training to make this happen, but that’s what parenting is all about—18+ years of training.

I’m not saying never sacrifice for your children again. As a parent, there will be many times when we are called to sacrifice. What I am saying is that we do our children a disservice when we cast ourselves as second-class citizens by always putting their wants and preferences first.

One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is a healthy view of the value and worth of women, and mothers in particular. They need to understand that moms are human beings with likes, preferences, and privileges. Moms have feelings and deserve to be treated with honor and respect.

This is the biblical view of how we should treat the most precious women in our lives, and we would do well to train our children with this in mind. After all, most of them will one day either be a mother or married to a mother, and they will model what we have taught them.

What about you? Who eats the burnt toast at your house, and is it time for a change?

Article originally appeared at Hungry for God...Starving for Time. Used with permission.

Lori Hatcher is an author, blogger, and women’s ministry speaker. She shares an empty nest in Columbia, South Carolina, with her marriage and ministry partner, David, and her freckle-faced, four-footed boy, Winston. A homeschool mom for 17 years, she’s the author of the devotional book, Joy in the Journey – Encouragement for Homeschooling Moms. You’ll find her pondering the marvelous and the mundane on her blog, Hungry for God...Starving for Time.

Is Online Dating Biblical?

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 22:02:00 GMT

Online dating is one of those subjects that Christians enjoy debating. In one camp, there are some who believe looking for love online betrays a lack of faith in God’s provision of a spouse. In their view, the seemingly endless lists of online profiles creates a superficial consumer mentality that undermines the sacrificial nature of Christ-centered love.

The other side counters that online dating is merely a tool God can use to bring two people together – users don’t place their faith in the matchmaking site, but in the Lord. They point to their neighbor/sister/uncle/friend that met his/her spouse online and is enjoying a healthy, happy marriage. What can be wrong with that?

The arguments on both sides have merit. Like many things, online dating isn’t inherently evil or good. Sometimes things are less about what we do than about the heart we do it with. More often than not, the Bible offers general principles over specifics. We can then take these big ideas and apply them to our everyday lives and the choices we make. But that process requires wisdom, discernment and guidance.

Focus’ online community for young adults, Boundless, seeks to help singles navigate these issues. Through Boundless, Focus encourages intentional living and offers resources that motivate young adults to know their worth in Christ as individuals and to be open to the opportunities God may have for them.

For some in the Boundless community, this may lead them to trust God to bring a spouse through church, work, or a blind date set up through mutual friends. For others, it may involve signing up to an online dating site and seeing if God uses that. Boundless has even joined forces with online dating service ChristianCafe.com to help connect marriage-minded Christian singles and provide them with Bible-based relationship advice.

But then what?

What if a single man or woman signs up to ChristianCafe.com and meets someone? Where do they go from there? You can’t stay online forever, so how does a potential couple make the jump from the virtual world to the “real world”?

To help answer this question, I’m going to share some tips from one of my female colleagues. She met her husband online and has good insight on making the transition from being matched in a dating service to meeting in-person. (You can read their complete story in this Boundless post.)

1. Meet in-person as soon as you can.

Think of online dating as merely a tool to meet new people. My husband and I know of various other Christian couples who met online and are now married. Common to all of us was that we transitioned from the online world to the “real world” as soon as we could.There’s a temptation when meeting online to keeping it there because it’s so “safe.” You can share at a heart-level, showing only the best of yourself and hiding what’s not as flattering. That’s why meeting in person sooner rather than later is wise. It gives you a chance to get to know the person in the real world. It’s important to see for yourself how this person treats others, deals with everyday frustrations and carries him/herself.

Scheduling the in-person meeting before you develop serious feelings can help you make wise decisions on whether this is a relationship you want to continue exploring or not.

2. Common sense is as important online as it is in the “real world.”

Be safe. Meeting on a Christian dating site doesn’t automatically mean the person you’re communicating with is who they say they are. When you schedule that first in-person meeting, do it in a public area. Let your friends and/or family know what you’re doing.

3. Quickly bring this person into your community and get to know theirs. This gives you much-needed context to making sure this person is who they say they are.

When my husband and I first met in person, I had someone I trusted (an older male) come with me and help me make sure this “virtual guy” was legit. I also made sure he met some of my trusted friends early on so they could give me input. That he was willing to be vetted helped me realize his intentions were sincere and his heart humble. That he quickly made sure I met his friends and family helped me know his intentions were serious.

4. It’s OK if the initial meeting is a bit awkward at first.

I’m not going to lie – I felt a bit self-conscious and shy that first day I hung out with The Man Who Would Become My Husband. It was strange to me that this guy knew how my day at work yesterday had gone, and yet I didn’t know if his eyes crinkled up when he smiled or if he gestured a lot when he talked. (In case you’re wondering, by the way, they do and he does.)

He was patient for me to come out of my shell a bit, and thank God I was able to overcome any foolish notions I had that our meeting would be perfect out of the box. We learned that it’s worth working for things that matter.

5. In all things, trust God and follow His lead.

In the end, meeting online is something we don’t even think about now. God used online dating to get us together, but, like couples who meet in a more conventional manner, we had to pray, trust and obey throughout every step of the dating and engagement journey.
We’ve now been married for four-and-a-half years and we have two precious kids. There’s no doubt in our minds that God, not our dating site, was our ultimate matchmaker.

If you or someone you know is interested in trying out ChristianCafe.com, you can take advantage of a special offer through Boundless by using this link. Before you do, consider reading through Boundless’ article on the 10 online dating “don’ts” for men and women.

But let me hear from you. Have you ever tried online dating? How did it go? I'd love to hear your story.

Follow me on Twitter @Dalyfocus

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Infected

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 22:00:00 GMT

“But evil men and impostors will proceed from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived” (II Timothy 3:13).

The nature of computer viruses, as I understand them, is that a kink is placed in the inner workings of these systems which infiltrates all aspects and makes it impossible for the computer to do the work for which it was intended.

They are called “viruses” for good reason. Plagues are the result of viruses being passed along from one person to another until millions are infected and a great many die.

Quarantining the carriers has traditionally been the means of stopping the virus in its tracks.

In the Kingdom of God– the church on earth, if you will– bad ideas and wrong-headed philosophies function in the same way as viruses. They infect a church and as members and leaders interact with other churches, as people relocate and assume places in other congregations, the infection is spread.

The result is always deadly.

Here are seven viruses which I have observed affecting and infecting the Lord’s work on earth today....

1) The people who come to church are our customers and our job as leaders is to satisfy them.

I first encountered this from a longtime friend who was teaching on the campus of a well-known and historically conservative Christian university. Bobo–not his name, but close enough; the “Bobo” will give him a smile–would use part of one class period each semester to share his testimony with his class, no matter what the subject he taught.

He told me, “It’s vital that students know the world-view their professor is coming from. If they don’t, they can make some major errors in receiving his teaching. So, I tell them how Jesus Christ entered my life and changed me forever.”

The dean called him in. “You must not do this anymore. You have a diverse population in your classroom, many of them from different religious backgrounds, and your little sermon is upsetting some. Bobo, you must understand that as a Christian college, we have a product to sell. The students are our customers. If they do not like what we have to offer, they go elsewhere. If enough of them leave, you and I are out of a job.”

Bobo soon transferred to another college.

Church leaders fall prey to this kind of carnal interpretation of our mission. Our role is to satisfy the pew-dwellers. If they are unhappy with their leadership, they go elsewhere, the church dries up, and we are out of a job. Therefore, we will soft-pedal any preachings and standards that upset any segment of the congregation.

The second virus is like unto the first….

2) The pastors are here to make us happy and if they don’t, we get rid of them.

It is a rare congregation that can abide a minister who speaks the whole truth–”preaches the Word,” Scripture calls it–and upsets members from time to time.

However, I will go so far as to say that any minister who does not offend or upset some of his people from time to time is probably playing at his assignment.

A faithful minister keeps pushing his people toward the Lord’s goal for them. Pushing is uncomfortable. We want to push back.

There is a thinking abroad in the land that if the membership is unhappy, they will desert the program, withhold their offerings, and find other things to do on Sundays, and that therefore, the role of the leadership is to keep them happy.

“Pastor,” the little committee said, “we thought you would want to know that some of the members are unhappy with you.”

The minister, looking around at the six distinguished men and women who were standing in his office, said, “So?”

“Well,” the speaker said, “We thought that would matter to you.”

The shepherd said, “It does, but not much.”

“Then we are under a misconception here,” said the spokesman. “Our understanding is that since a pastor serves at the pleasure of the people, if they are unhappy with him, he is failing at his job. And thus, his continued employment is in jeopardy.”

The pastor said, “There is a misconception, but it’s on your part. The minister was not sent to make the congregation happy. He was sent to make you holy and spiritually healthy and to make the Heavenly Father happy. Those are two vastly different concepts.”

There are not 10 members in a hundred who get this distinction. And we are paying a severe price in terms of pastoral turnover, church divisions, and ministerial illnesses.

3) Deacons are to handle the business of the church while ministers take care of the spiritual side of matters.

I’ve encountered this foolishness in several churches, and in every case, the result has been disastrous. There is not a single word in all Scripture–not one–which would substantiate this wrong-headed notion on how churches are to be run (or led).

Anyone who knows the first thing about Congress sees that whoever controls the purse strings calls the shots. That’s why men and women we send to Congress vie with one another to chair the appropriations committee. Even if a bill is passed by a unanimous vote, if it’s not funded, nothing happens.

Power brokers inside a church–and they are not all deacons, believe me (I do not mean to slander these good people!)–quietly work in the background to insert themselves or their lackeys into the key decision-making slots. From there, they control the preacher and the staff.

“….shepherd the church of God, among whom the Holy Spirit has made you the episcopos” (Acts 20:28). Episcopos is Greek for “overseer” or just as literally, “supervisor.” Epi = upon or over, and scopos = to see. In context, Paul is addressing the pastors/elders of the Ephesian church.

The pastors do not keep the books, do not necessarily hire and fire staff, do not need to man the phones. But it all comes back on them. They are the only God-appointed overseers of His church, and according to Hebrews 13:17 they will stand before Him and account for the souls of their people.

You and I do well to assist them in their divine work and not impede it.

4) I give my offering when I agree with the church, and withhold it when I don’t.

To do otherwise, someone insists, is to be unfaithful. “After all, why should I fund something I disagree with?”

Answer: If someone is doing something unscriptural, unethical, or illegal, don’t fund it. But if you are simply in disagreement with the leadership, get over it and bring your offerings to the church. Act like a grownup, not a selfish kid on the playground who wants to take his ball and go home because he didn’t get his way.

Few things speak about your maturity in Christ like how you behave and continue serving and giving after you did not get your way on something you wanted the church to do, but were outvoted or were simply told ‘no’ by the leaders. Even pastors get told ‘no’ at times. It hurts, but we go forward, eyes on Jesus, doing our job. It’s what mature people do.

It helps me to see that in Mark 12, our Lord praises the widow for bringing her small offering into the temple treasury at the very time the temple was under the control of a bunch of crooks! One chapter earlier, Jesus had called them “a den of thieves.”

Bring your offering, Christian. Be faithful. Even if you did not get your way, even if something the church is doing turns out to be unwise, even if your pastor insists that his way is better than yours and events prove otherwise, bring your offering. Be faithful.

5) If I don’t feel like doing something, even though it’s the right thing, to do it anyway would be hypocritical.

I run into this a lot. It’s far more prevalent among pew-dwellers than most pastors think.

What it does, however, is to make one’s feelings the authority in his life. “How I feel” becomes the standard, the Authority I consult before doing something. And how scary is this?

Our feelings come and go, they fluctuate based on a thousand things (body conditions, the weather, what someone said to us at church last night, our jobs, how the kids are doing in school, our psychological makeup, unconfessed sin, guilt, whether we like our wives or the preacher or the chairman of deacons!), and they are completely–completely!–unreliable.

Many a person who has not learned this valuable lesson (not to trust their feelings) has gotten married or divorced as a result of how they felt at a given time, only to see the error of their ways later.

When someone uses this line to me–saying “If I don’t feel it, doing it would be hypocritical”–I answer, “No, it would be acting on faith!”

As a pastor, many times I called on a church member who disliked me intensely (and in some cases, I returned the compliment) but who was in need. They had had a sickness or tragedy in the family and they needed a pastor. I did not want to go. I felt nothing but hostility from him or her (or them). But I went out of obedience to the Lord and by faith that it was the right thing to do.

And without exception, on the drive home, my heart soared. I knew this was of God, that I had done right, that He had blessed. In some cases, I had made friends of that bitter person(s). But whether that happened or not, obeying is always the right thing, regardless of how I feel.

6) It’s the pastor’s fault.

Blame it on the preacher.

After all, if a football team turns in a losing season, you can’t fire the team, so you get a new coach. And, if he’s a Nick Saban or Les Miles or Sean Payton, within a year or two, he’s ringing up the wins and bringing home the trophies. It happens in sports, and it happens in the business world. A company in trouble changes CEO and he turns it around.

“Our church needs a new vision.” So, they fired the pastor. He was a good man, a godly man, and he deserved better than that church gave him. But the Lord took care of him. Almost seamlessly, he began a ministry in another church 75 miles away and now, nine years later, he’s still there and doing a great job. The offending bunch that ousted him? Well, they’ve been through several pastors and continue to flounder.

“There is a malaise in our church,” was the consensus in the deacons meeting where firing the pastor was the topic du jour. The preacher knew this congregation had been torn asunder by division for several decades, and the church’s problems had not arrived when he did. But, they sent him packing anyway. Many of the best people exited as a result of such heavy-handed treatment of God’s appointed leader, and to this day, the church limps along.

People do not know what they are doing when they drive a pastor away needlessly. (To be sure, if he is violating God’s law, Scripture’s mandates, or his marriage vows, send him on his way without apology!) I fear that what we reveal when we blame the preacher is that we do not believe in God’s leadership, do not believe in the power of prayer, and do not want to yield our will to His. And “whatsoever is not of faith is sin.”

7) The church is a business and should be run as one.

Like all of these statements, this is a half-truth. We do need sound financial and managerial concepts in effect in our churches. When I became leader of the “New Orleans Baptist Association” with its 130 SBC churches in a 5-parish area in 2004, the first thing we did was bring in an accounting firm to review our handling of finances and make recommendations on how to be more effective and faithful.

In many cases, however, this line (“the church is a business and should be run like one”) is a cover for resisting acting on faith.

The pastoral team presents a vision to the church to begin this program, construct that facility, initiate that mission, or employ this person. The money is not there to fund this. (This is important. Do not miss this key element: They are presenting a vision for which no money is available.)

The pastor tells the church (or the deacons or some leadership council): “People give to vision. If the congregation is inspired to do this, they will fund it. Let’s step out by faith.”

Some old head, usually a geezer my age or so, but not always, sits back shaking his cranium, insisting that the preacher has his head in the clouds. “I know we want our ministers to have faith,” he will say in grave tones as though he just came down from Sinai with the final word from on high. “But we simply do not have the money to do this. In fact….”

In fact, he goes on to say, pulling out sheets and charts, “Our giving this year is less than last year, if you deduct the special offerings we received for the Guatemala mission trip. We did get that estate bequest when the saintly Sadie Goodwill passed on, bless her soul, but we’ll not be getting another one of those. So, our giving is actually down. And now we have our leadership asking us to do this project! My friends, this would not be sound economic practice. In fact, it would be foolhardy. I think not.”

“By faith Abraham went out not knowing where he was going.” Sound familiar? The Lord delights in asking His people to step out on faith, to head out in a general direction without any guarantee where it will end up, just because He said so.

If you cannot handle this, if you do not believe in acting on faith, please do yourself and your church a favor, friend. Quit calling yourself a disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ. And whatever you do, when asked to become a key leader of the church–a deacon, chair of this committee, treasurer, whatever–decline the honor. Please. You are not up to this. The church deserves better than you.

Well. That’s it.

That’s my list today. If you have been in church very long, no doubt you have encountered other viruses–wrong-headed ideas that have taken root and are poisoning your church and are being exported to other churches–that need to be confronted with some high-powered disinfectant.

And what is the disinfectant which treats these heresies?

“Preach the Word.”

That’s always God’s remedy, isn’t it?

Helping Someone's Marriage

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 21:58:00 GMT

What do you do when you know a couple has marriage problems, but you have no formal training in how to help? Our work with thousands of marriages in crisis provides us with insight that you can use.

The most important thing is to care enough to do something. Far too often, people do nothing because they fear they might do the wrong thing. While it is possible to do the wrong thing, doing nothing is DEFINITELY the wrong thing.

If you know a couple in trouble, and you care enough to do something, consider this list of things not to do and things to do.

DO NOT DO THESE THINGS

First, do not listen to one side of the story and think that you understand the situation. A person can paint a picture so reprehensible that you wonder how he stood it, and soon find yourself understanding and even approving of his desire to leave the marriage. If you deeply relate to the sharer’s pain, you may not believe the other spouse’s story when finally you hear it. Therefore, when listening to either spouse, ground yourself in this ageless truth, “The first person to speak always seems right until someone comes and asks the right questions” (Proverbs 18:17 ERV). The wise person listens, but suspends judgment until the entire picture comes into view. Listen to both spouses without prejudice toward either.

Second, do not believe everything either spouse says. People give their own perspectives, and, inevitably, perspectives are flawed. Additionally, people in pain tend to exaggerate. Beyond that, they tend to justify their behaviors by focusing on negatives about the other person. Therefore, listen for core issues while ignoring matters extraneous to the current problem or exaggerated to disguise the real issue. For example, a wife may try to distract you from her emotional involvement with another man by focusing you on her husband’s online visit to a pornography site months ago.

Third, do not help anyone do wrong. Sometimes people think they somehow help a person with his struggles by doing immoral things in the process. It may be as simple as lying for him. Occasionally it stretches imagination. A few years ago, I worked with a couple in which the wife was having an affair. Her lover enjoyed taking her to New York for weekends, but she lacked excuses for missing those days with her family. A prominent sister in her church helped her commit adultery by taking occasional trips with her to a nearby large city for a weekend of shopping. The unfaithful Christian woman met her lover at the airport and spent the weekend in sin. Her Christian helper did all the shopping for her so that she could take her purchases home on Monday with an acceptable alibi. I never understood how the prominent sister justified her actions in her own mind.

Fourth, do not believe that a couple should divorce because their problems seem hopeless. We see marriages saved and made loving again when no one thought it possible. We witness spouses madly enamored with a lover change their minds and restore their marriages. We watch people who said they could never forgive not only forgive but also reconcile their relationships. We witness dominating, controlling spouses realize their destructive behavior and change into loving, accepting mates. Unfortunately, with all those amazing stories and more, we also hear from many couples that a counselor, church leader, or dear friend told them that their situation was hopeless and they should divorce and move on. By the grace of God, they discovered that we would help them even if everyone else thought they should part. We often hear at the end of our weekend workshop for couples in trouble, “Thank you for giving us hope. And understanding. And tools. But without hope we don’t think we could have made it.” Therefore, we encourage you never to advise a couple to part unless one of them – or their children – are in danger physically, emotionally, or spiritually. Otherwise, please encourage them to find the help to heal their marriage.

Fifth, do not hesitate to ask for assistance to help a marriage in crisis. Sometimes a person in a helping role feels ownership for salvaging the couple and subtly blocks others who try to help. Suggesting to a spouse or couple that they avoid advice from someone who likely will do more harm than good makes sense. I often suggest that a person not take counsel from people who have their own agendas. For example, if Mom feels anger toward the spouse who caused her daughter pain, Mom probably is not a great source for balanced, unprejudiced advice. On the other hand, suggesting that a couple listen only to you, and not to others who have as much experience and wisdom as you, may be a tragic mistake. In our work, counselors and pastors regularly send couples to us for a weekend and then we send them back for more help from them. Working together provides more opportunities to help couples turn things around than working in competition with each other.

DO THESE THINGS

First, when you know a marriage is in trouble, intervene even when not invited. Jesus inserted Himself when people needed him, even when they did not know Him. For example, He approached a funeral procession of a woman He did not know and had the audacity to tell her not to cry (Luke 7:11-17). That brazenness is out of order in nearly every culture. However, He did it because He knew He would raise her son. He would turn death into life and bring great joy in place of her agony. From our experience with thousands of distressed marriages, I can tell you assuredly that many of them long for someone with the boldness to walk into their lives and help them save their dying marriage. We need more people who will do what Jesus did.

Second, stay with them until the healing takes place. If Jesus had told the woman to stop crying because He would bring life to her son again but did not follow through, He would have caused her more pain than she had before He interrupted her mourning. The point is that if you start something, finish it or you may cause more harm. Far too often, we hear from people that some nice Christians – church leaders or others – came by and met with one or both of them once or twice, but never came again. We understand that in most of those cases, the people who tried to help did what they knew to do, and when that did not work, they did not know anything else to do. They still cared, but did not return because they felt that they had done all they could. Even if you do not know what to do next, being there for the spouse who wants to save the marriage may be her only line of hope. Continuing to let the spouse who wants out of the marriage know that you care and that you want to help may make you the person he turns to if he has a moment of emotional lucidity.

Third, convince them to get the help they need. It is not your duty to repair their marriage. Instead, gently guide the person or couple into looking at the real problems rather than the things they wish to focus on, and then direct them to professionals with the specialized knowledge and training to help them with specific issues. Regularly I hear people say things such as, “I didn’t want to come to this workshop. I didn’t want to save my marriage. But ______ kept after me until finally I came just to shut him up. A lot of people had a lot of advice but he listened and seemed to have some wisdom about life. So I finally let him talk me into coming, but I wasn’t happy about it. Now I gotta go home and thank him for not giving up on me.” While it is true that no one wants to be harangued or nagged, it is also true that when someone we trust or love gently pushes us, we tend eventually to do what he or she urges us to do. Sometimes the person gently prodding includes incentives such as offering to pay for the crisis marriage workshop, or to take care of their children while they attend. Other times, they simply remind the person of their love and concern. Occasionally, they twist the proverbial arm. They know they run the risk of angering the spouse who does not wish to save the marriage, but they consider the possibility of helping salvage the marriage to be worth the risk. From our perspective, we thank God in heaven that there are people who love their friends enough to keep gently pushing until they agree to get help (There is a story in the Bible about this principle as well. Luke 18:1-8).

Fourth, call to accountability by establishing consequences. When skilled interventionists meet with an addict, such as an alcoholic, they present her with consequences if she refuses to get help. Consequences may come from family members, employers, church leaders, and others who either hold influence with the addict or have something she wants or needs. The principle is to motivate the addict to do something to salvage her life by establishing clearly that if she continues her current behavior she will lose things that matter to her. The same principle works in helping marriages. For example, some churches will remove members from their fellowship who divorce without what the church considers Biblical cause. Some parents communicate their love for their grown child, but clearly indicate that if he leaves his wife for another, they will not accept the new wife into their home. Within legal limits, a few Christian employers will terminate employees who leave their spouse for another, or who refuse to seek help before divorcing. If you think any of these sound extreme, remember that the purpose is not to punish but to deter the person from divorcing without first seeking valid assistance in hopes of healing their marriages. It is not mean or cruel to try to rescue. Actually, it is much crueler in the long term not to try to rescue.

Fifth, if your friends salvage their marriage and learn to love again, lead them to help other marriages in trouble. No one is more effective in helping marriages than those who have struggled through marriage problems themselves. After you help a couple get the assistance they need to heal their own relationship, boldly ask them to use their experience in two ways. First, to tell their story whenever appropriate to married couples who are not in trouble. As they tell their story, they will lead some couples who secretly are in trouble to talk about their problems. They will help others order their lives and marriages in ways that will prevent them from having major problems later. Second, to tell their story to married couples who are in trouble, and then to stay in contact with that couple in order to become the wise friend who leads them to the help they need. It is selfish, in my opinion, to find healing and not share that healing with others in ways that helps heal them.

If you wish us to assist you in getting a couple to the help they need, please call us toll free at 866-903-0990 or email us at info@JoeBeam.com.

Joe Beam founded Beam Research Center, an organization that provides marriage help to hurting couples strengthen or save their marriage. Follow him on Facebook here.

From Boys to Men?

Mon, 10 Jun 2013 19:49:00 GMT

If the fictional character, Peter Pan—“the boy who would not grow up”—was alive today, he’d have little need to run away to the magical isle of Neverland to escape manhood.

“You no longer have to shut your eyes and pretend you are in Neverland—it is all around you,” wrote sociology professor Frank Ferudi in online publication Spiked. “Our society is full of lost boys and girls hanging out on the edge of adulthood.”

Meet Generation Peter Pan, the ever-expanding band of twenty-, thirty- and even forty-somethings living in a state of extended adolescence, avoiding the trappings of responsibility—marriage, mortgage, children—for as long as possible. Sociologists traditionally mark the “transition to adulthood” by the milestones of completing school, leaving home, becoming financially independent, marrying, and having a child. In 1960, 77 percent of women and 65 percent of men had passed all five milestones by age 30. But among 30-year-olds in 2000, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, fewer than half of the women and one-third of the men had done so.

A survey conducted by the Pew Research Center in December 2011 found 53 percent of 18- to 24-year-olds are living with their parents or moved back with them temporarily during the past few years. In 2012, another Pew poll found that in 1993, 80 percent of parents with children age 16 or younger said they expected them to be financially independent by age 22. As of 2011, only 67 percent of parents agreed.

With more people embracing the Peter Pan promise to “never grow up,” researchers and psychologists believe a new life phase—emerging adulthood—has developed as social and economic forces make maturing more difficult in the 21st century. But Christian leaders contend otherwise, saying prolonged adolescence is avoidable through discipleship, service-oriented ministry, and higher expectations for today’s wandering “kidults.”

“Extended adolescence is a culturally created phenomenon we must respond to,” said Mark Oestreicher, author of Youth Ministry 3.0. “Culture is obsessed with perpetually infantilizing young people, so we’re creating the low expectations. The first step is to stop coddling them.”

With an extensive background in youth ministry, Oestreicher is a partner in the Youth Cartel, an organization that provides consulting and resources to help churches and businesses connect with young people. He believes the solution is not “adult” youth groups ghettoizing twenty-somethings from the rest of the church, but rather discipleship and mentoring with an intergenerational focus.

Oestreicher cites a real-life example reflecting his ministry vision: When he was a junior high pastor, the church usher team consisted entirely of men over 60 until an usher began involving his developmentally challenged grandson. The boy learned ushering and participated in the group’s barbecues and prayer sessions, and soon other ushers started involving their grandsons. Then the grandsons invited their junior-high friends to join. “Eventually the usher team became a group of old guys gently mentoring these junior-high boys, not just in ushering, but in life and spirituality,” Oestreicher said. “These young men were offered a chance to become apprentice adults. It’s a vision for how we can view young adult ministry.”

Some churches are already working to make that vision a reality. At Fellowship Evangelical Church in Knoxville, Tenn., 65 percent of the congregation is under 35. Its pastor, Richard Dunn, co-authored the book, Shaping the Journey of Emerging Adults, and believes ministry to extended adolescents isn’t rocket science: “It’s just discipleship.” At Dunn’s church, young adults are intentionally given opportunities to use their gifts in leadership positions alongside older adults who function as role models.

Fellowship Evangelical also has weekly “college life” groups of about 800 students. The young people split into groups with leaders for Bible study and mentoring. Some of the twenty-somethings in these groups have already been divorced, and a large portion are sexually active. “That brings a whole new set of complications for ministry to this demographic,” Dunn said. “We have to address those issues and be willing to walk with them in authentic, mentoring relationships. If you’re going to be successful, you need patience and a long-term focus.”

Greg Matte, who began as a campus minister at Texas A&M University, now serves as senior pastor at Houston’s First Baptist Church. He carried his philosophy for young adult ministry to the church, which has a singles group of about 1,000: “That’s where we see more of the prolonged adolescence happening,” Matte said. “But we’re intentional about not segregating them.” The singles are involved in many different activities in the church, regularly leading worship, teaching Sunday school, and working with seniors. And every Saturday, single young men join older men to serve different widows in the community, changing light bulbs, doing yard work, or pressure washing their houses.

“This kind of approach is relational and serving,” Matte said. “We don’t define our young adults by their marital status. We don’t babysit them. They mature in productivity and leadership.”

Beta Upsilon Chi (BYX)—the largest national Christian fraternity in the United States—also reaches out to the “kidult” crowd through activities designed to help them launch. Formed at The University of Texas at Austin in 1985, BYX is active on 28 campuses nationwide. Brian Lee, chief development officer for the fraternity, says young people today lack motivation, often defaulting to graduate school after college or moving in with their parents. “Because it’s culturally appropriate now, with no negative stigmas or a sense of failure attached, the pressure to grow up just isn’t there anymore,” he said.

BYX counteracts the extended adolescence trend through the rigorous process of service and commitment. Prospective members do community service projects like yard work, house remodeling, and other physical activities. During small group meetings, members share their struggles and hold each other accountable, a difficult process that spurs spiritual and emotional growth, Lee said: “If a freshman comes to college and wants to play video games for twelve hours and attend class for two, he’s not going to make it with us. They learn how to give, work and sacrifice, so they develop maturity and are prepared for a successful life outside of college.”

Young adults’ mental and emotional growth depends on their spiritual development, which is why Christian leaders should be on the frontlines of helping them transition from mediocrity to maturity, Matte said: “If you choose culture over Christ, you’re going to become an extended adolescent. Ultimately, the maturity of your faith determines the maturity of your life.”

Spread Your Wings

Mon, 10 Jun 2013 19:48:00 GMT

Fear of flying still ranks high on the list of phobias in our country, probably because of 9-1-1. But what about the fear of flying “spiritually?” What makes Christians so chickenhearted about spreading their wings? And how can we overcome our fear and find the freedom God wants for all His children?

But before we look at some steps we can take when we find our spiritual planes are grounded, let’s look at what flying “spiritually” means. To some, it may mean overcoming any fears that keep you from serving God the way you want. To others, it may mean discovering–and living up to your full potential in Christ. And to others, it may mean learning how to make the best of what life has dealt you.

Whatever it may mean to you, here are six steps that may help you spread your spiritual wings and fly:

1. Admit Your Desire to Fly

Fear and trembling overwhelm me, and I can’t stop shaking. Oh, that I had wings like a dove; then I would fly away and rest! I would fly far away to the quiet of the wilderness (Psalm 55:5-7, NIV). Ever feel like you “wanna get away?” King David the Psalmist did. In these verses he agonized over the betrayal and treachery of his trusted counselor Ahithophel and his own rebellious son, Absalom. He longed for escape, just to get away from it all.

Many of us have uttered that same prayer, stemming from weariness, overwhelming cirumstances, or extreme discouragement, maybe even an unexplained fear that someone–or something–has clipped our wings permanently. But getting away is not always the solution. God often uses unpleasant or stressful situations to push us to the edge of our current “nest.” Tell Him you really want to move beyond your current state. Tell Him you want to fly.

2. Confess Your Fears and Excuses for Remaining Grounded.

Afraid of falling, or worse, afraid of failing? Not strong enough! Not smart enough! Too old! Too young! “Flying” is too risky! Don’t like surprises! Sometimes listing our fears and excuses in black and white helps us connect visually with what really makes us fearful. In one particular season of my life, I allowed fear of failure to keep me grounded. In still another season, I encountered a fear of success. But when I examined those fears through God’s microscope, I saw them reduced to a minute and workable size.

3. Be Willing to Move Beyond Your Comfort Zone.

You’ve always done it this way? Try a different approach. Stretch yourself. Trust God more. Worry less. Challenge yourself in small ways if necessary, and reward yourself for every accomplishment, no matter how insignificant it may seem to you. When He knows you want to give Him the glory, God wants you to succeed! In church ministry through the years, God stretched me by allowing me to teach in various age groups. I ultimately discovered the one that fit the most, but God taught me much about trusting Him when I was willing to try something new.

4. Consider the Alternative

You can stay where you are and never take a risk, but you might miss the adventure God has planned for you. God never asks us to take impossible risks on our own. Abram (Abraham) left everything familiar to travel to an unknown destination (Genesis 12) that God would show him. But the adventure was God’s idea, not Abram’s. And it required a constant trust in God’s ability to lead–and that what God had promised would ultimately materialize. A son in his 90s? Impossible. But not to God. Abraham’s obedience to “fly” with wings of faith resulted ultimately in blessing for us as faith believers, too. But what if he hadn’t obeyed?

What blessings will me miss out on because we refuse to trust God, or because we’re too fearful to obey His voice?

5. Ask Yourself: What’s the Worst Thing That Could Happen to Me?

When accepting a new writing challenge, I sometimes ask myself this question–and then answer it: “I could fail. I could be called foolish. Some might laugh at my attempts. I could net a ton of rejections. It might be too hard.” For years it felt “safe” for me to write greeting cards, magazine articles, and other shorter, inspirational pieces. I could do it easily and earn a decent income. But I always wanted to write a book. I was faced with a choice: stay where it was familiar, or branch out and try to “fly.” Eleven books later, I am still enjoying that adventure God has allowed. I still write other inspirational things, but I would never have added “author” to my resume had I not been willing to stretch my wings.

6. Identify What Flying Means to You

Do you want bolder faith? To take a risk and tell a friend about Jesus? Would you like to teach a class or age you’ve never tried before? Want to attempt a new vocation? Try a new business? Start a new ministry? Love a difficult relative? Speak up for justice? Go on a mission trip? Overcome a debilitating habit? Grow deeper spiritually?

One of the most beautiful truths about being God’s child is the realization that we can find wings even in the midst of difficult circumstances. Whatever spiritual freedom means to you, God wants you to spread your wings and “fly” Isaiah 40:31 (NLT) gives us a great promise:

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

Like a mother eagle, God may have to push us toward the edge of our comfy nests to get us ready to fly. And like baby eaglets we may resist, fearing the flight. But just like the eagle, our faithful Father watches and waits nearby to catch us until we can fly on our own (Deuteronomy 32:11).

Our job? Wait on Him; listen for His voice; and watch for His “nudge.” The freedom is in the trusting.

A Personal Prayer for You

Lord, what a wonderful and patient Father You are. Grant us the spiritual freedom to know You more deeply. We confess our doubts, our fears, and our hesitancy to trust You more. We wait on You, Lord. Help us to be sensitive enough to feel the nudge of Your Spirit. We long to soar on spiritual wings like eagles and experience all that You have planned for Your children.

Day-votedly Yours,

Rebecca

For more from Rebecca, please visit www.rebeccabarlowjordan.com. Sign up for Rebecca's encouraging blog/newsletter, or purchase her newest devotional books from Zondervan - Day-votions™ for Women, Day-votions™ for Mothers, and Day-votions™ for Grandmothers.

The Beginning of Wisdom?

Mon, 10 Jun 2013 19:13:00 GMT

Editor's Note: Pastor Roger Barrier's "Ask Roger" column regularly appears at Preach It, Teach It. Every week at Crosswalk, Dr. Barrier puts nearly 40 years of experience in the pastorate to work answering questions of doctrine or practice for laypeople, or giving advice on church leadership issues. Email him your questions at roger@preachitteachit.org.

Dear Roger,

I recently became a Christian and I have a question. The woman who led me to Christ encouraged me to start reading my Bible immediately. She told me not to start at the beginning and try to read it all from start to finish. She recommended that I start with the Gospels and also read some from Psalms and Proverbs every day. My question is that I keep coming across the term, "the fear of the Lord," as I read Psalms and Proverbs. My friend told me that God is a God of love who loved me enough to give His life for me. She told me that I could love Him back with all my heart. She never told me anything about being afraid of Him. What is going on here?

Sincerely, Britney

Dear Britney,

Most people who come to Christ do so because the one who led them to Christ focused mostly, if not completely, on the love of God (Read John 3:16: For God so loved the world that He gave His only son … ").

Some others come to Christ out of fear. I trusted Christ because I was afraid of going to Hell. I was seven-years-old when God spoke to me about my need to have a Savior to save me from my sins. I was sitting in church when the preacher talked about how people who die without Christ are in danger of going to Hell. This scared the daylights out of me. However, he also talked about Jesus’ parable of the shepherd who left his ninety-nine sheep to seek the one lost sheep. I realized that I was that lost sheep and Jesus was searching for me--because He loved me.

In the beginning of our Christian lives we must balance our love for God with our fear of God. It is not a paradox to say that we can love God and can be afraid of Him, too. I loved my parents and I never doubted they loved me. But, when I needed discipline I was afraid of mom or dad as they were coming down the hall!

Too many Christians want, in fact, not so much a Father in Heaven as a “Grandfather in Heaven” – a senile benevolence who, as they say, “liked to see young people enjoying themselves” and whose plan for the universe was simply that it might be truly said at the end of each day, “a good time was had by all.”

That is not at all the God of the Bible.

It is OK to begin our Christian lives experiencing the “fear of the Lord.” When you read the Bible you will discover that everytime someone in the Bible sees God, it scares the daylights out of them.

In Isaiah 6 the prophet fell face down to the ground in terror when he got a glimpse of God in the sanctuary.

In Matthew 14:22-33 the Disciples were afraid of Jesus when He unleashed a bit of His Deity and stopped the storm on the Sea of Galilee.

In Luke 5:1-11 Peter fell down on his knees in the boat after Jesus supernaturally told him where to find fish. He said to Jesus, "Depart from me; I am a sinful man."

In John 18:1-9 Jesus showed off just a little of His glory in the Garden and the soldiers who had come to arrest Him all fell down in terror.

A little fear of God can go a long way in keeping most of us travelling the Christian life on the right path.

I remember a story that illustrates well the effectiveness of a little of the right kind of fear.

A schoolteacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.

Solomon wrote Proverb 9:10 “The Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.” The fear of the Lord is the beginning; it is not the end of wisdom.

John wrote 1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

We may begin with a fear of God and what He can do to us if He so desires. But, recognize that this fear is just the beginning. It is not the end.

God's intention is that over time His perfect love will drive out any fears that we might still have of Him.

Let me share a story that illustrates this principle of perfect love casting out fear:

During the Revolutionary War, a young officer in the British Army, before sailing to America to fight, became engaged to a young lady in England.

In one of the battles of the officer was badly wounded and lost a leg. He wrote to his fiancé, telling her how he was disfigured and maimed, and so changed from what had been when she had last seen him that he felt it his duty to release her from all obligation to become his wife.

The young lady wrote an answer. In her letter she said that whether or not they married had nothing whatsoever to do with had happened to him in battle.

She wrote, “I intend to marry you as long as there is enough left of your body to hold your soul!

Can you imagine that her declaration of perfect love drove away all of his fears of a life lost alone.

Now, Let's Look At The "Fear Of The Lord" From A Different Perspective.

The “Fear of the Lord” sounds like a negative thing. But, according to the Word of God, "the fear of the Lord" is a term that describes a life style better than we can ever imagine.

"The Fear of the Lord" is the lifestyle we all really want. It beats all the options.

Britney, as you read the following verses you will see that the fear of the Lord is not all what it sounds like on first blush. If you choose the "Fear of the Lord" lifestyle, here is what your life will look like.

A Life Lived With Knowledge And Wisdom

Proverb 2:6-7: For the LORD gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.

A Life Of Goodness and Rightness

Proverb 14:16: A wise man fears the LORD and shuns evil, but a fool is hotheaded and reckless.

A Life Of Security and Protection

Proverb 14:26: He who fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge.

Potential For A Longer Life Than Normal

Proverb 10:27: The fear of the LORD adds length to life,

Security For One's Family

Proverb 14:26: He who fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge.

A Life Of Satisfaction And Peace

Proverb 14:27: The fear of the LORD is a fountain of life, turning a man from the snares of death.

A Life Full Of Contentment

Proverb 19:23: The fear of the LORD leads to life: Then one rests content, untouched by trouble.

For me, so much of the Fear of the Lord resolves around the idea of contentment as mentioned in the last verse above. Like you, like me, and like every one else, my life is full of twists and turns. Some are delightful; some are threatening and painful. Living the "Fear of the Lord" lifestyle has allowed God to pour in the power of Jesus Christ to handle any situation that comes into my life

One of my favorite pictures of contentment is, "Contentment is a small kitten following a leaky cow.”

I am the kitten. The "Fear of the Lord" lifestyle is the leaky cow.

Britney, I hope that my answer has given to you some extra help in living well your new life in Christ.

Love, Roger

Dr. Roger Barrier retired as senior teaching pastor from Casas Church in Tucson, Arizona. In addition to being an author and sought-after conference speaker, Roger has mentored or taught thousands of pastors, missionaries, and Christian leaders worldwide. Casas Church, where Roger served throughout his thirty-five-year career, is a megachurch known for a well-integrated, multi-generational ministry. The value of including new generations is deeply ingrained throughout Casas to help the church move strongly right through the twenty-first century and beyond. Dr. Barrier holds degrees from Baylor University, Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, and Golden Gate Seminary in Greek, religion, theology, and pastoral care. His popular book, Listening to the Voice of God, published by Bethany House, is in its second printing and is available in Thai and Portuguese. His latest work is, Got Guts? Get Godly! Pray the Prayer God Guarantees to Answer, from Xulon Press. Roger can be found blogging at Preach It, Teach It, the pastoral teaching site founded with his wife, Dr. Julie Barrier.

Already Measuring

Mon, 10 Jun 2013 19:09:00 GMT

Bleary-eye and pre-coffee, I stumbled into my bathroom and took a gander in the mirror. YIKES! All I could see were bags beneath my eyes and sags where I used to be perky. I heaved a weary sigh and shook my head in resignation. If only I were blonder. Skinnier. Younger. Sexier. I grunted a morning hello to my drowsy husband Roger.

He also checked out his disheveled, thinning hair, poochy belly and slightly pruny face. Instantly be grinned a winning smile and chirped, “Now there’s a handsome man!”

Unbelievable! How could two people have such disparate views of themselves?

Actually, I wasn’t too bad looking in my prime. I was pretty cute. But I gazed at my blonde, Barbie-shaped sister Kathy and wished that the gene pool had dealt me a better hand. God had B-listed me and I wasn’t happy about it.

Most women hate the way they look. And the media doesn’t help. Emaciated, re-touched photos of teen-aged or twenty-something starlets remind us all that we are below average, chubby or just plain homely.

The American Health Organization commissioned a Gallup poll survey to evaluate the average woman’s self-image. In a large group of test subjects, women had some surprising answers. Gallup asked, “If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be?”

These were Gallup’s findings: most women wanted to be two to four dress sizes smaller, at least one inch taller, eleven pounds lighter, good muscle tone, curly blonde hair and bronzed, sun-tanned bodies.

48% wanted to cover signs of aging, 37% wanted to change their teeth, 34% wanted more shapely legs, 18% wanted smaller feet.

When men were polled and asked what they would change, most answered, “Absolutely nothing!” (Well, not really). But from the results of the survey, men are either more self-satisfied or natural slobs.

The young bride of the richest, wisest king in history, King Solomon, had a low self-esteem. How do we know? Listen to her first words in the love poem.

“I am weathered but still elegant, oh, dear sisters in Jerusalem, Weather-darkened like Kedar desert tents, time-softened like Solomon’s Temple hangings. Don’t look down on me because I’m dark, darkened by the sun’s harsh rays. My brothers ridiculed me and sent me to work in the fields. They made me care for the face of the earth, but I had no time to care for my own face.” Song of Songs 1:5-6. The Message

The shepherdess, the Shunammite woman who captured King Solomon’s heart was self-conscious-embarrassed of her swarthy skin and rough hands. If this stunning beauty had continued down her path of self-loathing, she would have missed the love of her life. But slowly, tenderly, Solomon praised her and declared his unconditional love and passion for his bride.

These are his racy, adoring words:

“You’re so beautiful, my darling, so beautiful, and your dove eyes are veiled. By your hair as it flows and shimmers, like a flock of goats in the distance streaming down a hillside in the sunshine. Your smile is generous and full—expressive and strong and clean. Your lips are jewel red, your mouth elegant and inviting, your veiled cheeks soft and radiant. The smooth, lithe lines of your neck command notice—all heads turn in awe and admiration! Your breasts are like fawns, twins of a gazelle, grazing among the first spring flowers. “The sweet, fragrant curves of your body, the soft, spiced contours of your flesh. Invite me, and I come. I stay until dawn breathes its light and night slips away.

You’re beautiful from head to toe, my dear love, beautiful beyond compare, absolutely flawless.” Song of Solomon 4:1-7. NIV

Flocks of goats, shorn sheep? Farm animal analogies may not ring your bell. But Solomon was not messing around. He praised every part of His bride. He called her “beautiful beyond compare, ABSOLUTELY FLAWLESS.” The Message

The exquisite poem between Solomon and his Shunammite is an allegory for the love letter Jesus is writing to you, His bride. He looks upon you with rapturous, passionate, adoring devoted love and affection. Don’t let curved mirrors of this world distort your beautiful reflection. Don’t let unrealistic expectations destroy your joy. Psalm 139:13-16 says that you are His Masterpiece. He loves you exactly you way you are. Every strand of your DNA was embroidered by the Master Artisan. He numbered the hairs of your head and the days of your life.

“Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away.” Song of Songs 8:6-7 NIV

Christ’s love is as strong as death. His death. He made the ultimate sacrifice for you. So as you throw off the covers and slide your chilly toes out of bed onto the tile floor, tape Solomon’s love letter to your bathroom mirror. Stare at your reflection and remember, “You are beautiful, my love. There is no fault in you!”

Wake the Sleeping Giant

Mon, 03 Jun 2013 20:02:00 GMT

This is the last in a series we are calling “Uprising –Part II.” We discover that a rebellion is taking place against the suffering created by broken masculinity. This article — and the others that follow — takes us on a journey into the broken male culture, showing us that God is our Father and He wants us to return home to His family, and like any loving Father, He expects His sons to behave accordingly. Read Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four of the Uprising II series.

Are you born of God? Are you a son of God? Can you step into the masculinity that you were born for an endless quest for sonship, or… If you are God’s man, are you dabbling in culture, and playing with worldly versions of sonship?

Men, we need to return to God in the same way that God said to the men of Israel. Circumcise your hearts. Circumcise yourselves to the Lord. Become a passionate son.

This is what happens to the man who receives the Son of God: reception, spiritual inception, and new obligations.

We read about it in Romans 8. How does it all work? If I say yes to Jesus, how does that change me? Who do I become?

Romans 8:12-17 gives us spiritual direction. “Therefore, brothers… we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live. For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.”

Wow! When your quest for validation ends, that’s when your discovery of sonship begins.

You see the difference? There is a leadership change, and it’s from the inside out. You have an invitation, not by that voice that whispers to you to protect and indulge yourself, but you are led now by the Spirit of God.

I want you to describe two things.

First I want you to describe your earthly sonship in one word. I’ll describe mine: ignored. I was a Navy brat, the last of seven children. My dad was a ghost. Validation, acceptance, affirmation; these were not a part of my earthly sonship. The impact on me? Insecurity, instability and immaturity, and a quest for sonship outside of God in culture, and that hurt me and hurt other people.

Second, I want you to also describe your spiritual sonship in one word. What’s the impact there? How has that changed you? I can tell you that I went from insecure to secure, unstable to stable and way immature to getting more mature.

Let’s wrap up this five part Uprising Series II. There is a flash point in history that is happening right now; it’s an exciting time to be alive and to be a man.

It is also a challenging time because it doesn’t matter if you are a good man or not. You get lumped in with what’s going on in culture It doesn’t matter if you are Christian or non-Christian. You are just lumped into this bucket called men.

These active and passive justice movements that we have talked about in this series are reactions to an uprising among the men of God and among the men coming to know God.

We can’t do it alone. We can’t do it individually. It’s hard to make a statement just as an individual, with so much momentum against us. It’s got to be dramatic. We have to be together. We have to be unified. We have to be courageous, and we cannot run away from this fight.

Otherwise, as individuals we will have regret, either later in life, or when you stand before God. You didn’t take a risk.

We are not going to hesitate. We are going to move together, and together as free men who make free choices. We are going to experience a personal uprising of sonship. We’ve talked about that as the root of the problem: you must end the quest for validation. It’s Psalm 21:7. “You can trust in the Lord. It is through the unfailing love of the Most High, that we will not be shaken.”

That is what you were designed for, the reason you were made. All men seek sonship and validation. You may just be chasing sonship and validation in all the wrong ways, all the empty ways. What you really want is sonship at its highest levels, with the highest love, with the Most High.

Jesus wants men to experience true sonship, the kind he has with our Father.

Will you pray on this?

“Father, thank you. You know the root of the issue: looking for an identity in which we can place our masculinity. We get all loose in the corner when we choose culture over Christ.

“Thank you God that you gladly — and with a warm heart and warm embrace — treat us like sons. We want to move from a son of culture and a creation of God, to a son of God in Christ, like Christ. God, I want to accept that I am your son. I accept and receive Jesus right now so that I can be fulfilled as a son of God. I receive all that Jesus has done for me in this moment. I receive what you did for me on the cross. I receive the relationship that you want with me. I accept it.

“I ask you to grow me into a strong son of God, filled with the words of God, and filled with the Spirit right now. I accept my adoption, as your son. Where I have wandered from the identity for your masculinity and am planted more in culture rather than in Christ, I want to drive a stake into the ground of compromise and say that it ends here.”

I know this requires a strong decision from us as men. It requires a surgery of the heart. You are ready to step onto the operating table, circumcising your masculinity and going from where you are to where God is calling you.

Tell God it ends here. Be done with false versions of manhood, with false expression, with the false chase for validation before men.

Take hold of your sonship! Return to God and be welcomed by your Father. Live under His authority and accountability, but most of all, lay hold of His acceptance and affirmation of you. Let it sink deep into your spirit.

Trust in the Lord and His unfailing love, the love of the Most High which makes you unshakable and unstoppable.

Take part in the uprising that is happening in the church today andall around the world. Raise up your sons and lead your families. Wake up this Sleeping Giant called the sons of God, and may the world be different. May history be marked by this uprising of the soul!

And God’s men said: Amen!

Watch “Uprising –Part II,” where men’s expert and pastor Kenny Luck helps you to learn how God’s men are joining an uprising in the Church.

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Kenny Luckis the founder of Every Man Ministries and the men’s pastor at Saddleback Church. His 20th book – SLEEPING GIANT: No Movement of God without Men of God - is the proven blueprint for men’s ministries, and was recently released through B&H Publishing. Watch and read more of Kenny’s teaching here at EveryManMinistries.com.

Follow Every Man Ministries now on Facebook, Twitter (@everymm,) and YouTube.

Prepare Them for Purposeful Work

Mon, 03 Jun 2013 19:58:00 GMT

It may be hard to picture, but one day your children will be working adults. As parents, there are things you can do while your children are young that will help them make good career choices later on. You are gambling with your children's future if you are relying on their schools to give career direction, or assuming they will somehow "figure it out" when they get older.

Statistically, a majority of adults have difficulty finding work that fits. A recent Gallup study found that 54 percent of employees are dissatisfied, not engaged, and just "putting in their time" with no passion for their work. Many ultimately give up hope of finding a better job, just living for the week-end and looking to make it through until they retire.

You don't want your children to be part of that group! The good news is there are actions you can take now to help your young children or teens in the future to discover the work they are designed to do: meaningful, energizing work that uses their top skills and interests. Here are some keys for preparing each of your children for his or her future career:

Help your child understand his or her unique design.

— Many adults have difficulty seeing what is special and unique about themselves. This is true of children, as well. Pay attention to your child's or teen's skills and interests, and mirror back what you observe ("Kyle, you are very creative in coming up with your own design for making vehicles out of building blocks." OR "Jana, you did a terrific job organizing that youth event. Few students your age would have thought of all of those details.").

— Engage your child in discussing his or her interests, and making connections with career options ("Susan, you do a lot of baking. What do you enjoy about it? Here's an article I found about a woman who runs a business making special birthday cakes.").

— As a junior or senior in high school, have your child complete a thorough assessment of his or her skills, interests, values and personality traits. In addition, make sure that a trained professional (a school guidance counselor or career counselor) interprets the results, helping your child understand what the results mean and how they can be used in exploring career options and making a good career choice as a young adult.

Expose your child to a wide variety of careers.

Children and many teens have limited vision about the career options that are "out there" in the world of work. They may know what their parents and relatives do for work, and they may have been exposed to a few other jobs through the media. There are, however, literally thousands of jobs they most likely will not encounter in their everyday lives.

As a parent, you can help your children widen their "tunnel vision" by intentionally introducing them to a variety of different career options. Remember that your children can only choose from the work options of which they are aware. The more they know about the world of work, therefore, the greater the likelihood that they will discover a career path that fits their design. Here are some activities you can do together:

— Talk about the different jobs done by people your child knows: you, your spouse, relatives, friends, etc. Help your child to set up "informational interviews" to talk with people who do work that is of interest to your son or daughter. Assist you child in setting up appointments to talk with people about what they do on the job. Your child can ask questions such as: What do you do in a typical day? What do you like/dislike about your job? What type of education or training is needed for this type of work? What suggestions do you have for me to learn more about this area of work?

— Watch programs on TV, DVDs, video clips on YouTube, etc. that show people engaged in various occupations. Read age-appropriate books or articles about both familiar and unfamiliar jobs. With teens, use Internet resources such as the Occupational Outlook Handbook and the Occupational Information Network (O*NET) that are published by the U.S. Department of Labor.

Model good career and life planning skills.

Research shows that parents have a great influence on their children's career choices. Our children are most affected by what they see us doing with our own lives. Also, we can only guide our children as far as we have gone ourselves. If you have struggled with your own career path, you still can be a great role model and guide for your children. Here are some suggestions:

— Talk to your children about your own interests, skills, and values and how they relate to work, hobbies, or volunteer activities you have enjoyed doing.

— If your work has been dissatisfying (and/or you need to re-enter the work force), take pro-active steps to explore work options that would fit you well-and talk to your children about what you are doing. Even in a tough economy, you can develop a career goal and action plan that will move you from where you are to where you want to be.

Each of us makes many career decisions throughout our lives. You can empower your children to make good choices by helping them understand their unique design and how it fits with interesting career options. You can equip your children not only to find work they enjoy, but also to make a difference in this world.

Professional Career Coaching and Career Testing

If you are seeking career testing and coaching assistance for your son or daughter, check out our Professional Testing Package for students offered by professional career counselors at ChristianCareerCenter.com.

Kevin Brennfleck and Kay Marie Brennfleck, National Certified Career Counselors, are the authors of Live Your Calling: A Practical Guide to Finding and Fulfilling Your Mission in Life. Their websites, www.ChristianCareerCenter.com, www.churchjobsonline.com and www.christianjobfair.com feature hundreds of job listings from churches, ministries, and Christian employers; a resume bank; and many other career/job search resources and articles. They also offer career coaching and testing to help you discover work that fits your God-given design, as well as assistance with writing a powerful resume, interviewing effectively, finding job openings, and other aspects of a successful job search. You can learn more about their personalized career coaching by visiting their website and scheduling a free career services consultation.

© Article copyright by Kevin and Kay Marie Brennfleck, www.ChristianCareerCenter.com. All rights reserved. The above information is intended for personal use only. No commercial use of this information is authorized without written permission.